My current situation: smothered under layers of blankets, trying to get warm after a night of Salsa dancing. It was a pajama-themed party and I wore a onesie and danced myself asthmatic and happy for several hours.
One strange detail interrupted an otherwise perfect night: a guy I used to date was there with a girl he used to date — a girl he might be dating again. I have no great concerns in the matter either way, but it made me reflect on the choices that we make in life and living in the aftermath of those choices.
@MF_Greatest had a great twitter thread awhile back about this where she talked about exes who come back to apologize or reminisce —or whatever it is that exes do when they contact you without warning—and how she advised them to “live their choices”— especially the choice to not be with her. That advice resonated deeply with me and it’s what I thought about as this guy and that girl and I danced around each other, both figuratively and literally, all night.
There are men who have made choices at one time or another regarding me. Men who have told me and shown me repeatedly that I’m not the one for them. Men who have treated my life as a revolving door they could return through at a whim. I, too, have made choices about these men, and also about myself. About what I am willing to accept. About my worth and about the type of life I desire.
In the end, what I have deliberately chosen is myself. Over and over again, I choose me. I stopped dating men and deprioritized romantic hetero relationships. I stopped waiting to be chosen by the fickle and feckless. I prioritized myself. At 37, I’m living in the aftermath of my choices.
That means I am single by my own volition. It means I live a life where I am routinely alone (but never lonely). It means that I have given myself the space and time — the necessary solitude— to ferment and develop my spirit and recklessly pursue the path that God has for me. That I have let go of the fear of being alone. The fear of “never finding someone”. I have given up the fear that if I don’t accept the lukewarm overtures of semi-interested men, that no one else will come along.
My choices are based on hope, primarily in the Giver of all good gifts. But also in the knowledge and expectation that I’m worthy of the love, respect, and commitment I desire. You are too.
Like me, you are living in the aftermath of the choices that you’ve made. These choices can be deliberate or the result of putting your life on autopilot and going through the motions. Either way, we all must live our choices. Best we make them based on hope and not fear of nothing better coming along.