So….guess who got verbal orders to her next duty station????
Ok, hold that thought.
Let’s answer this question instead: you know what’s hardest about being an outgoing, extroverted, social butterfly?
Yes, *exactly*. Everyone thinks that you’re flirting with them and that you obviously want to make out with them. Trust me: this is rarely the case. But a *very* close second thing is that everybody knows when something is wrong with you. Which just makes everything worse.
When I’m upset, I go quiet. Mostly to prevent all of those wild initial emotions from flying out of my mouth and hitting unsuspecting and innocent bystanders. Which results in these conversation:
Me: *thinking deeply about the thing bothering me*
Them: You Ok?
Me: Yeah, I’m fine.
Them: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah I’m good *gives reassuring nod*
New person: Well, you look sad. Smile
Me: *puts on sunglasses. Smiles without showing teeth*
Other person comes up: How come you’re so quiet today?
Me: No, really guys, I’m fine.
New person: Are you hungry? Why aren’t you talking?
Me: Guys…..
Newer person: Yeah normally you’re like a crazy person. *does an imitation of crazy me*
Me and my empathy: *laughs outwardly to prevent hurt feelings*
Newest person: What’s wrong with you? are you sick?
Me: AHHHHHHHHHH. *runs away to bathroom. talks out loud to self for ten minutes.*
Me: *returns to group and sits alone*
Them: *sits next to me*: What’s wrong?
This is basically what it’s like having a face made of glass and emotions without borders. It’s almost impossible to process anything internally  for any length of time because everything shows on my face and in my comportment. Which often leads me to the page to write down my thoughts. Which leads to the exact same exchange with my friends online
I’m am not complaining about having people who care for me by the way. On the contrary, I am extremely grateful for that. I’m just pointing out the difficulty that I encounter when trying to work through hard things.
My response to finding out where I am moving to next year was disappointment. Basic run-of-the-mill, plain old  “That was my sixth choice and I don’t want to go there.” And that’s what I grappled with in writing and in real life Wednesday-Friday.
Am I better today? I’ll write more about that later. But without further train-of-thought writing:
I’m moving to Honduras next year.
So yeah: Tegucigalpa 2017.  Who’s coming to visit?

3 Comment on “I Don’t Want To Go…

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