We kidnapped a waiter once. Ferried him away right in the open with nary a weapon in sight.
It was my going away dinner. We were a party of six intelligent and very attractive black and brown women having a fun (and astonishingly) loud dinner at a corner table. He wasn’t even our waiter, but found a reason to be in proximity throughout the night. When we asked him what he recommended for dessert, his response sent the whole table into loud cackling. I prefer chocolate myself, he said, the *wink wink* in his voice. (Who doesn’t, waiter, who doesn’t.)
So we invited him to come out with us to celebrate Black History Month. Because why not.
It could have been the lighting or seeing him straight on as opposed to looking up at him, but, when we got to the designated place, I realized that he was much younger than I’d thought.
Me: Wait. How old are you?
Him: 28. How old are you?
Me: How old do you think we are?
Him: *looks from me to P and back again* 28? 26?
Me and P: *break out into loud peals of laughter*
This was just last year so I was actually 35 at the time, but this age gap miscalculation is a growing and reoccurring trend here in Singlevania.
My friend, La Cantante, sent me this message of her interaction while peacefully trying to smoke a hookah:
Guy approaches to hit on her
Her – how old are you?
Him – 26
Her – *sigh* of course you are.
Him- why? how old are you? 28?
Her – 😒
Men are, in general, already bad at judging age in the first place, but that has been compounded by being told to “guess younger” which results in frequently being hit on by men who are in completely different phases of life.
I’ll be the first to admit that it is super flattering when anybody thinks that I am younger than I actually am. I get a happy kick in my heart every single time it happens and I reply with a genuine “bless your heart”. But there are also some interesting side effects that come with it like unsolicited advice and patronizing. And also, as La Cantante puts it, “Man Babies.”
Man Babies are generally very attractive and fun to “hang out” with, but are not into things like commitment, relationships, or adulting on a regular basis. Basically all the things that most mid-thirties women are looking for.
Of course, Man Babies come in all ages. I can’t even say that guys in their mid-twenties are more likely to be Man Babies than guys in their mid-thirties because there are some old-ass man babies running around out there (watch out). So I’ll just leave it with the probability of a mid-twenties guy being a Man Baby is really really high. And, as a woman who doesn’t even want kids, I definitely don’t want to date (or raise) one.
So at the first sign of encountering a Man Baby, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars –don’t even entertain it. Just think of me in my Whoopi Goldberg voice telling you “You in danger girl.” And run away.
As I told La Cantante, the bright side of being approached by Man Babies and all of their wild age gap miscalculations simply means that we are aging slowly — like vampires. Aging of course, but imperceptibly to most people. And that’s a single girl
problem perk that I can’t definitely get behind.
So here’s to all my fellow single ladies: may you continue to look 28ish until you are well into your forties.