I could use more of this in my life:
No, I’m not talking about acid washed jeans, old school telephones, or 90’s R&B in its purest form (Ahem JODECI singing anything)– I mean conversation.
I’m not sure if texting has further stunted the male ability to converse, but whatever has happened is not working for me. I’ve never experienced such a rash of poor conversationalists. Fellas, get it together! How difficult can this be?
You think I’m cute and you want to hang out with me…cool. To me that means that you might actually attempt to get to know me. Maybe even make the time that we spend together interesting so that I’d want to do more of it. You’d ask me questions about my life and my interests and my goals. I would respond and then ask you probing questions in turn and we’d have this great mutual conversation whereby we’d get to know one another. In an ideal world there would be lots of depth and a wide range of topics covered in the course of such a conversation.
“Wyd” over text is not cutting it.
I am an outgoing extrovert so conversation comes easily to me. I could singlehandedly keep a conversation going throughout a nine course meal — while juggling –if I had to, but guess what? That’s a) not a conversation and b) something I would ever willingly have to do! I actually stopped talking at dinner recently and told a guy: ok, now it’s your turn to ask questions. There’s another dude who asked me what I was up to because he was bored. And yet another, who demanded (after sending me an unsolicited message) that I “keep talking and don’t leave me” after I said that I had to go.
I find that the underlying message of all of these interactions (and there are so many more) is an odd presumption to my time and energy. Men don’t want JODECI as much as Gypsy Rose Lee
There’s a great book called The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everday Life,by Charles Derber that discusses this power dynamic that exists between men and women. This paragraph perfectly sums up my 2015 dating and wildly unimpressive life:
…Women are socialiazed to a particularly psychology — one of attention-giving. In patriachical cultures, females develop a social character of “other orientation,” which includes the attention-giving psychology, wheras males are socialized to the character type of “self orientation,” which entails an attention-getting psychology.
[Studies] indicate that men tend to speak more often and for longer periods of time, while women more frequently take the listening role….Men are also more likely to control topics. Male-female conversation is more likely to focus on “male” topics, whether they be personal topic about the individual male speakers or more impersonal topics like sports, cars,or politics.
~The Pursuit of Attention, Pg 44, 50-51
None of the dudes say this out loud, but what I hear is entertain me, listen to me, give me your valuable time (in exchange for nothing other than stories about me and one-word texts).
Ummm….No. I don’t have the energy, time, or — quite honestly — the interest.I am not getting paid to be anyone’s therapist, event planner, or mother figure. I have broken myself of the attention-giving habit so adjust your expectations accordingly.
1. My time is just as valuable as yours; treat it as such. Make plans early and follow through.
2. Put down your phone. Whatever is happening on FB or Twitter is still going to be happening after we finish dinner
3. Conversation should flow equally. We both should talk and listen approximately the same amount of time. See #3 above for good questions to ask.
4. Do not mention sex. Trust me, if it’s going to happen, you’ll be the second person to know about it.
5. Become an interesting person. Read a book. Get a hobby. Have some goals in life. Conversation flows much more naturally if it is linked to who you are. So…be interesting.
In closing, stop expecting women — especially me — to cater to you. Life is not a Destiny’s Child song! Seriously, good conversation is sexy. Ya’ll should try it sometime.