The seasons in Singlevania oscillate between dry, arid summers and artic winters (where the snow never lets up). The climate here is either a desert with drought-like conditions and nary the sign of water throughout. Or it is an arctic tundra with no vegetation or signs or life. Or, perhaps, nuclear winter year-round best describes life as a single girl in her thirties.

You can go for months – years even – with no dates, no options, and little hope for better climate conditions. (I am convinced that this is one of the main reasons that women end up in dead end relationships – lack of other alternatives.) *le smh*

But there are unexpected Monsoon season– times where there is the proverbial raining of men and not a cactus or tumbleweed in sight. Monsoon season is unicorn rare but it does happen. For me, it happens whenever I travel outside of the United States. As soon as I step off of a plane into another country (that isn’t Japan), I am greeted by a deluge of attention and interest. Try it sometime.

Let’s say you don’t have the time, money, or inclination to travel at this exact moment, how do you go about meeting people or getting dates? Easy. Follow these steps:

  1. Start announcing your imminent departure: You’re moving to the rain forests of Chile to record the language of the huxuahutcha tribe, your dog needs surgery that he can only get in Antarctica, You’re off work the oil rigs in Texas, or see the world, or hike the Appalachian Trail, or strike for oil in South Dakota. Make this story as interesting or as pedestrian as you care to. It doesn’t matter where you are going, just start announcing this to large groups of people where single men (ideally ones that you are interested in) exist. This could be at work, at church, at your local Starbucks. For best results, post a friendly FB reminder status update every other week (post more frequently as you get closer to leaving day): Only 60 days until I’m off to see the Wonderful Wizard of OZ!
  1. Ensure you include the following in your announcement: You are going far, far away (preferably to another continent — though a state on the opposite coast works as well). You’ll be gone indefinitely. You will most likely never ever return or be seen in whatever city you live in again. You will depart in 1-3 month’s time. For best results, use weeks: Oh yeah, did I tell you? I’m off to Azerbaijan in just 9 weeks. Yay me!
  1. Be super stoked about this adventure/new job/thing that you are about to go do. Be glad (but thankful) to be leaving where you are and sincerely state something that you will miss. For best results, the place that you will miss most should be one of your favorite eateries or somewhere you’d like to go on a date: Man, I’m so stoked to do this fisheries fellowship in Norway. I mean, I’m totally going to miss Mexican food at Luna Maya though. I wonder if they have good Mexican in Norway…
  1. Give zero cares about leaving your old life behind as you accept all of the date offers that have started to roll your way. Eat free for all of the weeks until your departure.

Et voila, that’s all there is to creating your own Monsoon season. Seriously. How do I know this? Because this is my life right now.

I am so excited to be moving (in 2 weeks!) to the left Coast to pursue a new career and direction for my life. Though I’m definitely going to miss the Mango Moscato at the Mermaid Winery (see what I did there). Monsoon season is in full effect.

Of course, this happened to me last year as well — right before I went on a 9 month deployment. Guys that I never remotely thought were interested came out of left field to ask me out. My supply was suddenly in demand due to imminent scarcity of (my) resources.

This is Hail Mary dating at its finest. It’s the bottom of the 4th quarter, 3rd down.  He’s always thought you were attractive though he couldn’t ask you out (for any number of ridiculous reasons), but now time is running out! Dudes have nothing to lose at this point. You are leaving. Forever. Going across country or to another continent. If you reject him or turn out to be crazy, then it’s cool because he never has to see you again. Why wouldn’t you close your eyes and throw for the touchdown at this point? And that is exactly what is happening.

I have been asked out more in this week alone than I have in the last two years. Men are bold and forthright in their intentions and I am suddenly, amazing, impressive,datable and so attractive.

Of course, I’ve always been those things (no doubt you are too), it’s just that the climate has shifted.

If you decide to create your own Monsoon season, once those XX weeks have passed, your passport could always get conveniently stolen and the US Government decides that you aren’t worthy to be issued another, or your Visa to Norway gets rejected because all of your shots aren’t up to date (something to do with Meningitis), or your dog dies on the Appalachian trail (he was hiking with your bestie) before you can get him to that special Veterinarian in Antarctica.

Or — what I prefer, you could just go do that crazy thing that you were not really faking excitement about for the last 1-3 months. You could totally move and do the thing(s) that you’ve always wanted to do.  Who knows what the climate is like in a new location? I’m thinking Sunny with a chance of everything.

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