I am increasingly dissatisfied with my dating life. It’s so…underwhelming. So lackluster and as blah as my daily breakfast of steel cut oats. I don’t even want to date anymore.

My job is partly to blame. I’ve moved three times over the last three years and about 70% of my life has been out to sea (literally). That obviously doesn’t bode well for dating. But, the larger part of the issue is me.

Of course you already know that I have a predilection for ex-boyfriends (aka ultimate comfort food). And while that comes with a host of issues, their numbers are also limited and I’ve just about exhausted that dating stream.

If I step outside of the ex-boyfriend paradigm then I vacillate between dudes who are either so wildly interested as to be Creepy McCreepersons or remarkably disinterested. Remarkable only in the fact that they can be so indifferent about me. (heelllloo, I’m awesome).

My dating life is a tug-of-war where I am either pushing someone away or trying to get them closer. There’s never a Golidlocks amount of interest or desire. It’s always lopsided. And because I don’t enjoy stalkers or the thought of being kidnapped, I am mostly at the other end of the rope.

I am stuck in Möbius strip of men who aren’t going/willing/able to commit (at least to me). Ever.

Which seems odd. In the vein of the ultimate compliment/not compliment: I seem to be a smart girl. I don’t want for self-confidence (heelllloo, I’m awesome), self-esteem, or pride (obvi) so why am I so easily satisfied with lusterless prospects?

Because I don’t want to commit. Fact. But I do want to be chosen.

It’s my own Scylla and Charybdis. Come close…but not too close. Stay with me…just not forever. Chase me and I’ll run. Ignore me so that I’ll shower you with affection.

What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you, ~Jeanette Winterson

That’s me in eight amazing sentences.

It’s taken me some time to figure this out. I give a lot of lip service to wanting to get married and wanting to have a “real relationship”. These are the words that I say to my friends when we talk or meet for lunch, but my actions belie those thoughts. It’s not that those aren’t true desires. It’s just not what I want right now.

I write about dating because the writing is fun. I enjoy coming up with metaphors to explain what dating is like. But the dating itself is just a game that I play when I am bored, or lonely, or want to self-soothe. It’s the ultimate tug-of-war, an endless chess game that I am forever analyzing. Except only my ego is invested in it, and I’m tired of playing.

You see, amazing things are happening in my life right now. In fact, it’s starting to look like the life that I’d imagined forever ago and I am finally content. This wild heart is passionate about the adventure that it’s on and I don’t want to waste anymore time in a meaningless tug-of-war.

I want someone who is both wild and tame. Someone with an equal measure of passion. I want someone that I neither want to run from nor have to cajole. No more halves or parts or sorta kinda maybes. I’m not interested in sweet, sweet nothings, or empty Facebook Messages. In the words of Veruca Salt, I want it all.

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