You know what’s rarer than a unicorn? A black unicorn. And that description aptly explains how race factors into my dating life. I am the Black Unicorn. I am the black woman that men who don’t normally date black women would date.
How do I know this? Because they tell me. Opening (and unbeknownst to them closing) line for most dudes:
I’m not normally attracted/I don’t normally date black women, but you…you know?
No, I don’t know. Am I supposed to genuflect now or does that happen after the first date?
It’s like they’re handing me a compliment with a little golden statue whose plaque reads: Only Black Girl I would Date. Are you expecting an acceptance speech or something?
Wow, thanks! It’s such a honor to be chosen as the 2015 Only Black Girl You Would Date! What a lucky girl I am to have earned your special attention I will endeavor wholeheartedly to keep this attention that you have so graciously bestowed upon me. Forever. And I promise to never ever do anything to make me like those other black girls that you wouldn’t date. *Giggle giggle. hair flip*
What in the internets? Guys stop leading off with this line. I am not impressed that you’ve deigned to notice me despite my blackness. I know you feel in your most sincere heart that you’re paying me a compliment. You’re not. What you’re actually saying is “you don’t seem to fit the stereotypes of black women that I have in my head so I really would like to do as much to you as you would allow. Interested?” Not even my pinky is interested in that.
Admittedly, I have way more patience with non-black men about this because sometimes they really don’t know better. But ignorance is no excuse and will only get you so far (the distance you go depends on if you’re Iggy Azalea or not). I get it, I’m cool. We connect. We like the same stuff. Great! Let’s vibe off of that, but keep all of the fetishy-do-you-taste-like-chocolate-I’ve-never-been-with-a-black-girl-are-black-guys-penises-really-that-big–stuff to yourself. Cause it’s weird. Remember this may be new to you, but I’ve been black my entire life. There’s noting particularly erotic or fetishy about it.
And black men. I don’t even know where to start. Lately the black guys that I date don’t “normally” date black women. I’m their black girl exception. And that’s weird for about 1.7894 millions reasons but a) I haven’t been able to put my finger on the exact thing that bothers me about this and b) thinking about it makes the room spin, so I will readdress this in another post.
Back to matter at hand: Fellas, let me ease your mind. Whatever thing it is that makes you not “normally” attracted to black women, assume that I have it. Maybe you think black women twerk all the time. Great, I’m twerking as I write this blog post. (twerk twerk twerk twerk). Or we’re too loud. I’M YELLING WHILE I TWERK. Or, I don’t know: You’re not attracted to black women because they fill-in-the-racist-stereotype here. Great. Color me all of that and leave me alone. You and I are definitely not compatible
I’m not diet black girl
or black girl light.
or the gateway to your Ultimate Black Woman Experience.
When you approach me with this imaginary hierarchy of black women where I am at some apex, everything in me says…um nope, that can’t be right. You see, I am a daughter, sister, cousin,and best friend to some amazing, completely datable black women. So when you tell me that I’m the chosen one — the one that you would date, I think, Dude, you’re in a black girl desert. Seek help immediately.
Seriously, if you’re not “normally” attracted to black women, you probably just don’t know very many. The End.
Black women aren’t unicorns. Don’t believe me? Try finding an amazingly creative, poetic dude who completely loves God, is a Scientist, speaks four languages, likes salsa dancing on the weekends and is in love me. Now that’s a unicorn.
(and I’m still twerking)