I am officially a Spinster. I hadn’t even realized it until I took a quick visit to L.A. (lower Alabama) a few weeks ago and my niecephews set me straight.

At home, I am constantly stalked by a small tribe of people, ages 2 through 8, who call me “auntie” and marvel at my abilities to stick the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try (one shot, one kill), apply makeup, and exist. They also seem particularly curious and slightly disturbed by my singleness.

While marveling at my makeup application, the eight-year-old asked:

Nephew: Auntie, where are your children?

Auntie: *draws eyeliner on crookedly*  um…I don’t have any children

Nephew: *purses lips and nods thoughtfully* So you haven’t bought any yet?

Auntie: *gives up on eyeliner* ”  um….yeah? no? What’s on tv right now?

I think that was 8-year-old-speak for “you really need to pull your weight in the kid department. We need some more cousins around this joint.” I probably should have corrected my nephew’s idea of where children come from, but I’ll leave that to The Twin. I was a bit shook by the question though. But it only got stranger.

The next day, my 4-going-on-41-year-old niece had this to say:

Niece: You got kids?

Auntie: No

Niece: *wrinkles nose and pushes glasses up with one finger* You got dogs?

Auntie: Nope

Niece: *frown of utter incomprehension* What do you do then?

I think that I told her (rather snootily)  that  “I do things that don’t involve children or dogs.” Far from being impressed by this, my niece who is a child and has a dog looked at me skeptically with a facial expression that said girl, get your life together, before walking past me into the house. What do I do indeed?

I was still contemplating this as I was putting the nephews to bed later that night.

Just-turned-5-yrs-old nephew: Auntie, do you live by yourself?

Auntie: yes, I have my own place in Virginia.

nephew *nods thoughtfully** Is it weird to sleep by yourself all the time?

Auntie: *WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT* um…nope.  Perfectly normal to sleep alone.

8-year-old-nephew: Don’t worry Auntie. When I get older I’ll find you a husband.

*nephews look at each other and nod*  Yep

Great,  my brilliant nephew is now forsaking being a productive member of society — perhaps even finding a cure for cancer — to matchmake and find a husband for his aged and spinsterly aunt. Seriously. What in the internets? My nephews both have their own beds for goodness sakes! So sleeping alone is obviously not weird for them, but completely abnormal and unacceptable for their auntie in her advanced age.

You know it’s time to rethink your life choices when your nieces and nephews start to give you the side-eye.

I miss the years when they were younger (and so was I) and they never considered what I might do in my spare time when I was not with them. Just like how you used to never think of your teachers outside of school which is why it was always so shocking to run into them in the store. I used to be like Santa Claus, visiting them once a year and showering them with gifts. Now, I am more like a lovelorn Bridget Jones with all of the awkwardness and no charming British accent. Or maybe I’m more like the ultimate single girl, The Wicked Witch of the West just waiting on the hair to grow in on my chin.

Well, if  I’m going to be a Spinster then there’s only one way to do it. Wholeheartedly. Standby for onesies, never combing my hair again, and lots of cats. Because this is happening. You should consider donating to my Spinster Dream Fund . Don’t be stingy tho. Tis the Season for giving and this Spinster has expensive refined taste.


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