life, why write, love notes, true self, unmasked]
I am a writer — which should be obvious since I have this blog. But I’m always somewhat surprised when I come across my sprawling handwriting in the margins of books, or hastily written journal entries thrust between to-do lists for work. My scribbles take up whole pages or the very edges of scratch paper. I think what startles me the most about these surprise scribblings of mine is the naked honesty in them. I am unmasked and unarmed in these entries. There is no façade. No trying to court the likes of a fickle audience. I am seeing myself afresh with each poem, thoughtful memory, prayer, or overheard bit of dialogue. Each time it’s like stopping short at a full length mirror and I am always, always startled by my eye color.
Last night, as I was studying for a test (yes, I take tests at work), I found a page of loveliness between reminders to call so and so about some missing part.
1. But, he isn’t the man for me, but he is a man.
And my lonely, lonely heart wants to love someone madly.
I feel ever alone. Forever alone.
Like the lonliest, oneliest, aloneliest person in the world.
2. Something like how a bearded face can feel smooth to the touch.
3. Execute violently.
I refer to all of this unmasked writing as “love notes,” not due to some misplaced sense of superior writing or craft, but because they point me to some essence of myself, some true part of me that I am not always conscious of. These love notes, no matter how nakedly honest, or painfully rendered are messages that come from the very core of my being. And what is lovelier than discovering who you truly are? You should try it some time. You might surprise yourself by what comes about.