That awkward moment when Facebook tells your dad that you’re a lesbian and then he attempts to get you to come out of the closet. Except, you’re not a lesbian and Facebook didn’t really tell your dad that either. What Facebook told your dad was that you had “updated your status.” Your dad — who is obviously not technologically savvy — saw the message from Facebook and the smiling face-to-face profile picture of you and Hawaii BFF and put two and two together…and got six.
Though I told my dad several times that I’m not gay, he didn’t quite believe me. “I think you might be protesting about this a little too much,” he said. It didn’t seem to matter what I said, he wasn’t buying it. It’s like he watched an after school special about helping your kids come out of the closet and was going to help me whether I needed it or not! I’m pretty sure he still thinks I’m a lesbian. That’s my dad (love him!). And that’s my life.
There is a point when you’ve been single for such a length of time that people start to hint that you might not be straight. I never thought that this would be an issue – especially since I’m not into chicks, but it started to crop up when I lived in Hawaii. On more than one occasion, someone thought that I was a lesbian. My dad’s inquisition made me feel like maybe this mistaken identity was a thing. Like maybe everyone thinks that I’m a lesbian and that’s why I don’t get asked out on dates! That’s the reason I’m still single.
It’s tempting (and comforting in some ways) to be able to explain why you are single. Especially because people are constantly trying to solve the riddle of why you are so alone all the time. It might be helpful to be able to explain that every man thinks I am a lesbian, so they don’t ask me out. Problem = solved. There’s this belief that one’s singleness is due to something that you are personally not doing or some thing or skill that you lack in a particular area. That’s why this idea of “how other people see me” is so seductive. It’s the ultimate “AHA” moment. If you can fix that flaw (cause there’s only one) then you should be on your way down the aisle in no time.
Of course I realize that this is silly and that my dad is probably the only person who thinks that. But I did hesitate at work the other day when I went to tape the aforementioned picture of me and Hawaii BFF to my billboard in the office: what if someone else thinks that I am trying to tell them something with this picture?
I thought about this for approximately 2 minutes, realized that there is no one at work that a) I am remotely interested in, and b) I don’t need to explain why I’m single! I took a thumb tack and pinned my picture in the most prominent place possible and carried on smartly.